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This is a new blog written by my brother Gage Parrish Paynter while he's in prison in eloy.

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Gage P Parrish

#33987

" Reaching Out For Nothing"

From:

GAGE PARRISH

PAYNTER

29/2020 08:06 PM

"Reaching Out For Nothing"

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Maybe I'm just in my feelings at the moment. I don't mean to come off as selfish.Ijust want you to feel like Im trying. I'm not looking for you to feel sorry for me. I don't want your pity. I'm home sick as fuck.Its hard to make hard days turn into good days. But like l'm said I'm trying. You couldn't began to understand what its like, getting trapped in your feelings, when your trapped inside a fence, behind walls and on the other side of locked doors.The suffocation that seems to set in when you tend to over think.At times I feel like this whole thing would be much easier if I were an under thinker. Like if I didn't over analyze my life in its entirety everyday of the week this wouldn't be nearly as hard to get through. Like ifI didn't read to far into conversations with the people I love,or not read far enough into what someone is really trying to tell me, then I might miss the chance of a lifetime. Maybe its not obvious by now but if ever there were a place that made loving someone to the fullest extent of your ability almost impossible, T'm livinin it.Imight just be searching for some understanding. But when these words areones that no one will ever seethen who the fuck am I talking to? Is that what crazy people do? Talk to walls and draw circles in the sand?This will just end up being another conversationBut when these words areones that no one will ever seethen who the fuck am I talking to? Is that what crazy people do? Talk to walls and draw circles in the sand?This will just end up being another conversation had that no one ever heard.I think that's what some people call "internal conflict" Sad, cause I do this to myself. Sure we all have that to some extent, but I don't feel like everyone deals with internal turf wars like do.People say this is the healthiest way of dealing with these types of problems, to type out your problems onto screen to later re read it over and over.Saying I'm home sick is an under statement, Iwouldn't wish this on anyone. Especially being someone like me, who feels to hard, thinks to much, listens to entently, reads to much between the lines.Because being like that makes this shit harder than I could ever try to explain. No words could be foundto allow you to understand what I mean. Its beena while sense I have done this. Just ripped my rib cage open and let all my heartfelt feelings bleed out of me.Maybe thats why I have so much to say, to crowd of no one.Maybe that's why I have so much to say, even though no one is listening. Maybe thats why I have so much to say, even though I'm really not saying shit.

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